Dear Person Who Went On A Date With Me,
What's up? You don't read my blog, so you probably don't know that my life is kind of stressful right now, nor do you realise your failure to call/IM/text/email is yet another mark in the column of why my life is stressful right now. That's okay. I get it. You probably lost your phone, possibly down the gullet of a hungry alligator, and then had your hands chomped off trying to retrieve it, preventing you from getting in touch with me. It's cool. I understand.
What you probably don't understand (due to the aforementioned lack of reading this blog) is that I am a passionate soul, given to fits of romance and drama, occasionally under clouds but constantly shining through. And once my good opinion is lost, it be lost forever. You, sir, are headed in that direction. Why the sudden change of heart? I though we had a good time--laughing at the inept waiter at that restaurant, holding hands through "Atonement," driving home through the neighborhoods of your childhood--all leading up to a quick smooch good night and a whispered promise to call. Alas. No call. No text/IM/email which, in these electronic days, is an acceptable substitute, especially if you've lost your voice at the yodeling competition this weekend.
See, I make excuses. I'm good at that. But the truth is--in 22 hours and thirty-four minutes, it will have been exactly one week since I've heard from you. And that silence--even in today's electronic world of instant communication--communicates just one thing to me: That you're just not interested. That's cool. I understand. Whatever.
Just don't think, if you deign to reply to the two (two! I must be desperate) text message I sent you, carefully spaced three days apart, that I'm going to respond. I am beautiful, independent, strong, intelligent and it will most likely take a king to tame me. I can understand if you're not up for the task. I thought for once I'd try an old-fashioned courtship, but if that means waiting by the phone working on my hope chest waiting for your ring, then I guess I might as well wait for the epic romance. If you're calling, you better come calling with sunflowers and emeralds, is all I'm saying. And don't be surprised if I direct your attention to post #495--I'll probably be too busy to get back to you.