Sunday, July 09, 2006

Pirates of the whaa the hell?

Nina Simone on the iTunes...freshly showered and smellin' unmentionables...geez, the only thing that is keeping this from being a date night is the fact that I'm drinking tea instead of red wine.

Awright, I went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean" today, because I figured I deserved a stupid movie...and man did I get what I deserved. What a dumb movie. I mean, it was fun, it was a GOOD bad movie, but only just. My biggest beef was with the sailing and nautical bits--now I'm not a sailor, I have never been on a ship under sail, but I'm pretty sure they were doing it ALL WRONG. At one point a character goes "actually, it doesn't take that many people to sail a ship..." implying you could do it with three or four, which is FALSE. Have you ever tried to reef in 500 yards of wet canvas?! You're going to need more than four people!!! And don't even get me started on the cannon. If you were going to shoot the cannons effectively on the Black Pearl, you'd need three people per cannon, which, assuming there are six on each side, means eighteen people just to fire in ADDITION to a crew. and THEN you have Orlando Bloom running around shouting orders and instead of someone going "hang on, you're not a captain, you're not a first mate, you're not even a part of the crew, what the hell are you doing giving orders?" And, anyway, where did Orlando Bloom learn to sail?! Apparently he was teaching Keira Knightly how to use a sword because she is lethal in this film--in addition to learning how to wear a corset--so when did he take sailing lessons? I also feel that Norrington's character was completely out of character, but that's a side note. I am glad that someone addressed the "hang on, does that mean Bootstraps Bill is still alive down at the bottom of the ocean?" question presented at the end of the first movie, but I think that someone needed to reign in the CGI effects people with Davey Jones's crew. Overall, I'd give it a C, with a special A+ going out to Geoffrey Rush, 'cause by the time he showed up I was like "Yes! Geoffrey Rush, thank God you're here--save this movie!!"


Laura said...

The new Indian guy - whom I was sad to see go, because I was hoping he was going to remain a character says you could crew the Black Pearl with six people. I'm like 6? And I suppose Will jumping around shouting orders makes more since than Elizabeth shouting orders which she did a lot of in the first movie. I'm like oh yeah, I forgot you're a sailor because you read a lot about sailing and pirating even though we've never seen you with a book. Anyway, I remember thinking during the movie that at least Orlando is good at looking good jumping up on the deck or jumping up on whatever to see what's happening. Which he does a lot of in this movie: like a cute dog in a bay window going Is that a CAR?

My biggest disappointment is that this movie is not as well written as the first. There's a lot of ...Whaa? I mean that whole search for the key when they have a picture of it? Did it not occur to anyone that Will is a blacksmith? Couldn't he just MAKE a key?

But don't get me started on my real editorial about this film...

Samantha said...

It's Disney, did you really expect the story to get better for a sequel. But Damn were the designs good. By the way...I do get your Saturday evening phone calls. Too bad I'm stuck in a dead zone whenever you call.