arg

So. The plan. I've decided to move back to Green Bay for awhile, to save on rent. I'm going to be applying at Madison for their PhD program, and also to a program called Teach for America. Either way, I hope to eventually become a teacher, and then either find a niche at a university or a small liberal arts college. So that's all right then.

But, of course, I'm freaking out because, hey, it's me after all, and both these programs won't start until next year. I've been writing letters and Statements of Intent and polishing up writing samples, but meanwhile I also feel a little pathetic, like, shouldn't I have had this figured out before now? Many reassurances have come my way of "well, sometimes people just take a little longer to figure out whta they want," but it doesn't stop me from wondering just why I can't seem to get my life on track.

I wasn't reasured much when I called Mr. S to ask him if I could put him down for a reference and was told, somewhat coldly, "Our office manager will handle that." So much for friends. And speaking of friends--I also stumbled onto someone's blog and was horrified to see they had the perfect life neatly put together, years after telling me off for being such a drama queen. Meanwhile, I'm still flailing. Some things never change--is what I'm trying not to believe.

I think I have spent too much time inside. With no job I am counting every penny, and not getting out much. Perhaps tomorrow I'll head for the Field Museum or something, and try not to feel too much like I've let everyone down.