Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Less of Me

"Lurking" is a term that means read people's blogs, but you don't comment or interact with the blog-owner, other than to read what they've written. I lurk on a couple blogs, mostly about women my own age who are married and pregnant and live little fantasy lives through them...ahahaha, not really. Whoo. Little kids sure are a handful, right?! Right?! hahahahaha.

But some of the blogs I read are blogs written by women who are overweight and who are blogging their journey to thinness. I feel for these women, I really do, because for a long time in my life, I believed that I was overweight. I say "I believed I was overweight" not "I was fat" because looking back at certain times in my life (say, fourth grade. Or eighth grade) I wasn't actually fat. I thought I was, but I wasn't. There were also times when I was genuinely fat, like senior year of college (I blame Ben, also Jerry. Also, three-am Country Kitchen runs), but generally, left to it's own devices, when I'm cooking for myself and not driving everywhere, my body tends to small down.

For this reason, I believe that blogging daily about your weight, or posting your weight every day is counter-productive. Which is why I don't do it, except on special occasions. (like today: lucky you) Focusing so much on what you're eating is going to make you hyper aware of when you fall off the wagon, and that will make it harder to climb back on. Instead, you should listen to what your body really needs. There will be times when I will hear "apple" instead of "cookie" and I enjoy that apple as much as if it were a cookie. I eat a lot of vegetables now, but you know what? They only go down if they are covered in ranch dressing.

I have never been skinny. But I am getting smaller. And frankly, it's really weird. Once I started feeling uncomfortable sleeping on my side because my hipbones were poking into the mattress, I thought "this has gotta end here." But it hasn't. I feel like a size-four model, even though I'm still wearing my Lane Bryant jeans no problem. I'm not bragging, honestly, I'm just observing how odd it is to suddenly be in a different body after twenty+ years of being the fat girl. In a moment of drama the other night I thought my head was starting to look like the pumpkin-on-a-toothpick sported by Paris Hilton and the Olsen twins. I'm not actually very much smaller. But for the first time in my life, I believe I could be skinny.


Laura said...

I've noticed "the fat girls" tend to have a kind of communion with each other. Not that you automatically become friends with other larger people or that friendships with the thin ones aren't just as meaningful but I always feel better when I have a friend in my life who knows how it is and has been where I've been - the teasing in school, the way men treat you.

I've noticed the "larger" crowd among the PCVs are the kind that are tempted to update you on their weight and jean size every time you talk to them and even more the always want to talk about how they were thin when they were kids, as though "I wasn't always fat!" is some kind of an excuse - but to me it sounds more like an accusation.
I've never been slender. I never will be. It took me a long time to accept that about myself and if you can't accept yourself - don't feel the need to tell me your pants size every time I talk to you. Also, like so many doctors I've had in my life don't take one look at me and assume I'm actively trying to lose weight. (This is not directed at you, Nicole. :)

Nicki said...

That also drives me crazy, when doctors tell me I need to loose weight. Or when well-intentioned people casually mention diet plans or ask me if I really want that tiramisu. My GOD, why didn't I think of dropping ten pounds?!?